This blog post starts from where it ended a few days ago. I am fortunate and to an extent even blessed that I have usually had honest advise but sometimes even advice falls short when you see some harsh realities. There were three people who replied, you can read mark’s and frode’s reply as they have shared in the blog post.
I even shared it with a newly-found acquaintaince in the hopes that there may be some ways, some techniques or something which would make more sense as this is something I have never heard within the social circles I have been part of so was feeling more than a bit ill-prepared. When I shared with Paramitra (gentleman whom I engaged as part of another socio-techno probable intervention meetup I am hoping to meet soon) , he also shared some sound advice which helped me mentally prepare as well –
So, if you’re serious about what you can do with/for this friend of yours and his family, I do have several suggestions.
1. To the best of my knowledge, and I have some exposure, no one goes ‘insane’ just like that. There has to be a diagnosis. Please find out from his family if he’s been taken to a psychiatrist. If not, that’s the first thing you can convince his family to do. Be with them, help them with that task.
2. If he’s been diagnosed, find out what that is. Most psychiatric disorders can be brought to a manageable level with proper medications and care. But any suggestions I can offer on that depends on the diagnosis.
3. However, definitely inform his family that tying him up, keeping him locked etc will only worsen the situation. He needs medical and family care – not incarceration, unless the doctor prescribes institutionalized treatment.
Hope this helps. Please be a friend to him and his family at this hour of crisis. As a nation, our understanding of mental health per se is poor, to say the least.Paramita Banerjee
So armed with what I thought was sufficient knowledge I went to my friend’s home. The person whom I met could not be the same person whom I knew as a friend in college. During college, he had a reputation of a toughie and he looked and acted the part. So, in many ways it was the unlikeliest of friendships. I shared with him tips of Accountancy, Economics etc. and he was my back. He was also very quick on the re-partees so we used to have quite a fun time exchanging those. For the remainder of the exchange I will call my friend ‘Amar’ and his sister ‘Kritika’ as they have been the names I like.
The person whom I met was a mere shadow of the person I knew. Amar had no memory of who I was. He had trouble comprehending written words and mostly mumbled. Amar did say something interesting and fresh once in a while but it was like talking mostly to a statue. He stank and was mostly asleep even when he was awake. Amar couldn’t look straight at me and he had that if I touched him or he touched me he would infect me. He had long nails as well. Kritika told me that he does have baths once every few days but takes 3-4 hours to take a bath, sleeps in there as well. The same happens when he goes for shitting as well. The saving grace is they have their own toilet and bathroom within the house. I have no comprehension how they might be adjusting, all in that small space.
I learned from Kritika what I hadn’t known about him and the family over the last ten odd years. His mum died in the same room where he was and he had no comprehension that she had died, this had happened just a few weeks back. He was one of three children, the middle child, the elder daughter, who is now a widow and has three daughters who are living with them. Amar, his father and the youngest sister who is trying desperately to keep it altogether but I don’t know how and what she will be able to do. 7 mouths to feed and 6 people who all have their own needs and wants apart from basic existence. They are from a low-income group. The elder sister does have lot of body pains although I was not able to ask what from. I do know nursing is a demanding profession and from my hospital stay, at times they have to around the clock 24×7 doing things no normal person can do.
Two of the nieces are nearing teenage years and was told of sexually suggestive remarks to the nieces by one of the neighbors. The father is a drunk, the brother-in-law who died was a drunk and the brother, Amar had consumed lots of cannabis seeds. Apparently, during the final year exams where we were given different centers he went to Bombay/Mumbai to try his hands at movies, then went to Delhi and was into selling some sort of chemicals from company to the other.
Maybe it was ‘bad company’ as her mother on the phone had told me, maybe it was the work he was doing which he was not happy with which led him to cannabis addiction. I have no way of knowing anything of his past. I did ask Kritika if she can dig out any visiting cards or something. I do have enough friends in Delhi so it’s possible I can know about how things came to be this bad.
There was a small incident which also left me a bit shaken. The place where they are is a place called Pavana Nagar. This is on back of Pimpri-Chinchwad industrial township so most of the water that the town/village people consume has lot of chemical effluents and this the local councillor (called nagar sevak) knows but either can’t or won’t do anything about it. There are lot of diseases due to the pollutants in the water. The grains they buy or purchase, Kritika suspects or/and knows also use the same water but she is helpless to do anything about it.
The incident is a small one but I wanted to share a fuller picture before sharing that. I had left my bag, a sort of sling bag where I was sitting in the room . After Kritika took me to another building to show me the surrounding areas (as I was new here and had evinced interest to know the area) , when we came back, my bag was not to be found. While after searching for a while, I got the bag, there was no money in it ( I usually keep INR 100-200 in case money gets stolen from on me. I also keep some goodies (sweet and sour both) just in case I feel hungry and there’s nothing around. Both were missing. The father pretended, he had put the bag away by mistake. I didn’t say anything because it would have been loss of face for the younger sister although it’s possible that she knows or had some suspicions. With the younger kids around, it would have been awkward to say that and I didn’t really wanna make a scene. It wasn’t much, but just something I didn’t expect.
Also later I came to know that whenever the father drinks, he creates lot of drama and says whatever comes to his mind. It is usually dirty, nasty and hurtful from what I could gather.
Due to my extended stay in hopsital due to Epilepsy had come to know of couple of medical schemes which were meant for weaker sections of the society. I did share what I knew of the schemes. While I hope to talk with Kritika more, I don’t see a way out of the current mess they are in. The sense I got from her is that she is fighting too many battles and I don’t how she can win them all. I also told her about NMRI I have no clue where to go from here. Also don’t wanna generalize but there might be possibilities of many Amars and Kritikas in our midst or around us whose story we don’t know. If they could just have some decent water, no mosquitoes it probably would enhance their lives quite a bit and maybe have a bit more agency about themselves. There is one thing that Kritika shared which was also interesting. She had experience of working back-office for some IT company but now looking after the family she just couldn’t do the same thing.
Note and disclaimer – The names ‘Amar’ and ‘Kritika’ are just some names I chose. The names have been given to – a. Give privacy to the people involved. b. To embody sustance to the people and the experience so they are not nameless people.