Good Morning, Marines.
As the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps, it is my distinct privilege to lead and serve you in this unique and essential war-fighting organization. Despite the hardship of this position and the responsibility it entails, working alongside our dedicated Marines and Sailors has been one of my life’s greatest joys.
However, one thing has weighed heavily on my mind these past few years, a confession that needs to be made before God and man, alike. Fellow Marines, I, Gen. Robert Neller, am very tired.
I’m just exhausted. I’ve been doing this shit since 1975, and I’ve got to tell you, man, I’m pooped. I legitimately can’t remember the last time I slept. I think I took a nap in the Pentagon parking lot last week before a meeting with Dunford, but I’m really not sure.
I mean, what kind of shitty-ass job is this when I can’t let my head hit the fucking pillow without some cracked-out aide telling me a 28-year-old staff sergeant in Miramar texted a picture of his ding-dong to a lance corporal and now its on Reddit. What-the-literal-fuck, Marines?
Or how about this, the other night, I was having dinner with my wife — who, by the way, has seen me about four times in the past eight weeks — when I get a call from Gen. Berger, who’s like, hey Commandant, guess what, a 7-ton in Okinawa just crashed into a light pole, and now you have to speak to the fucking Japanese Prime Minister. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.
Listen up idiots. I get it. This isn’t a zero-defect organization. Mistakes happen. I’m fucking tracking.
But you assholes — and I’m speaking to everyone subordinate to me, which is literally all of you — need to get your heads out of your buttholes, for… I don’t know… the next three hours.
Just let me rack out under my desk. I mean this. I will call a Marine Corps-wide safety stand down if it means I can take a nap.
Bottom line, Marines: It’s not easy at the top.
So next time you think about drinking and driving or smoking near a fuel pump or breaking into the amnesty box, please reconsider. Remember, protect what you’ve earned and let me sleep. If you have any questions, I’m in the fucking Global.
Gen. Robert Neller is the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps. Prior to his current assignment, he served as the Commander, Marine Forces Command from July 2014 to September 2015 and Commander, Marine Forces Central Command from September 2012 to June 2014. He hasn’t had a full eight hours of sleep since around 1997.
THE PENTAGON — After news broke that he would be resigning from his post in February 2019, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis told reporters he was looking forward to spending a “peaceful retirement” firing a GAU-17 Minigun out the door of a UH-1 Huey helicopter.
“Yup, I can’t wait to kick back with a relaxing 3 or 4 thousand rounds per minute every morning before PT,” said Mattis. “Much better than this boring bullshit here in D.C.”
Mattis served a storied career as a Marine general before moving into his role as Secretary of Defense, and sources within the Pentagon said that he still managed to fire a few hundred rounds every day at lunchtime “just to let off some steam.”
“Jim would regularly hump an 81mm mortar tube around the halls of the Pentagon because he said the weight helped keep his back aligned,” said Chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff Gen. Joseph Dunford.
“And he loved challenging all those little Air Force nerds to ground-fighting matches in the courtyard during his coffee break. They were always scared shitless.”
While he was admittedly emotional that he’d be leaving the military world behind after a nearly 50-year career, Mattis says he has plans to start a second career in the agricultural industry.
“Now that I’m retiring, I’ll finally have time to get out to the countryside and tend to my flock of A-10 Warthogs,” said Mattis. “Such serene and beautiful creatures.”
Danger Close contributed reporting.
WASHINGTON — Retired Marine Gen. John F. Kelly was relieved to relieve White House Chief of Staff John Kelly of duty, sources confirmed today.
Kelly will depart by the end of the year.
Kelly, who in the past honorably served as a Marine and was also the Department of Homeland Security Secretary for a couple of weeks or whatever before moving to the White House, informed the chief of his relief to the relief of the chief, while standing in front of a mirror in the West Wing.
Trump chose some guy named Mick Mulvaney, who is the head of the Office of Budget and Management, to replace Kelly. Mulvaney is reportedly a pay-to-play Republican — a much better fit for Trump than the somewhat morally-upstanding Kelly — who once said, “If you are a lobbyist who never gave us money, I did not talk to you. If you are a lobbyist who gave us money, I might talk to you.”
Reports of Kelly being forced to leave his suit jacket behind — as happened to previous Trump aide John McEntee — were dismissed.
“He dropped it like a hot potato,” said A.Z. Kizzer, a White House staffer who has served in 17 administrations as a card-carrying member of the Deep State. Kizzer added that not only did Kelly throw down his jacket, he also set fire to it with a military-grade flamethrower while yelling, “Moto T-shirts from now on! Veteran-owned, American-proud!”
Kelly joins a host of Trump administration departures who reportedly gave the one-finger salute to the president’s awesome hair while asserting that “happiness is the White House in your rear view mirror,” to paraphrase a legendary country song. It’s been reported that Kelly no longer talks to the president, and that he was perturbed by having to be interviewed by special counsel Robert Mueller’s team regarding unspecified obstructions of justice by the Administration.
“I was replaced by the mustache of John Bolton, so I see no problem with John being replaced by whatever jetsam floats down Pennsylvania Ave.,” said McMaster. “These days, anyone can get a job at the White House, what with all the vacancies because of, you know, subpoenas and jail terms.”
Kelly reportedly wrote an email regarding his departure to fellow Marine and Defense Secretary James Mattis.
“I’ve been sleeping with my DD-214 printed woobie for months,” he wrote. “I’m tired. But old woobies never die, they just fade away. And I’m just like that faded woobie, fading away from the shame I suffered working so long for President Prick and his cadre of law-breaking priquettes.”
Later, Kelly continued denying that he ever called Trump an idiot. Smiling directly at reporters and cameramen, he snapped two fingers and added, “But you never asked if I called him a a whack-doodle, a fourth-grade lunch-stealer, a pathological liar, or a scumbag serial adulterer. Sucks to be a bunch of 27-year old know-nothing journalists.”
CARMEL, Ind. – Third grade teacher Kasie Spyker woke up after a long-awaited kidney transplant dying for a cold Monster and fresh can of Skoal after receiving an organ from an infantryman, sources at Methodist Hospital confirmed today.
Spyker, who had been suffering from lupus and on a strict diet of fresh foods her entire life, had never tried any of Monster’s products before the life-saving surgery.
“I’d heard from other patients in the transplant ward that they felt different after the transplant.” Said Spyker. “For David, he got a lung transplant from a marathoner and suddenly wanted to go running. I got a kidney from an infantryman, and suddenly wanted to pack a fat lip.”
Spyker’s friends and family had raised over $20,000 to help pay for the transplant surgery and recovery. They were thrilled to learn that she’d be getting a kidney from a young infantryman at the peak of physical fitness after he died suddenly in a freak motorcycle airbrushing accident. They now hope to raise money for the Dodge Charger payments the soldier left behind.
“I feel like a new woman,” said Spyker, drawing out a fresh new tattoo to commemorate the transplant. “I’m so thankful for this new lease on life. I can’t wait until I’m out of this hospital gown and can go buy some new affliction t-shirts and axe body spray.”
ARLINGTON, Va. — After weeks of neck-and-neck voting, Charles “Wide Neck” McDowell has pulled ahead of adult film actress Riley Reid as the most requested USO star for an upcoming international tour, sources confirmed today.
Service members from throughout the military placed more than 645,000 votes for McDowell and 320,000 for Reid this month following McDowell’s fame after his mugshot went viral.
“This is the kind of guy that everyone has necks-level love for,” commented Andrew Green, a specialist with the 82nd Airborne Division. “Soldiers across the world are coming together and neckworking to bring this god to bless our troops and potentially end racism.”
Though the voting does play a large role for the USO in selecting and funding the star, many more factors come into play before booking can actually begin.
“We sent someone down to Charles’ neck of the woods in Florida where he is currently training for his MMA debut. But despite his schedule he seemed interested, and we will discuss more necks week,” said Robert Hales, booking agent for the USO.
Hales did show some hesitation about bringing McDowell along for the European and Middle East tour starting next March.
“I want to give the troops what they have requested, but they’re in for a shock as soon as they see his neck is normal and his head is just tiny,” he said.
Reid volunteered to go on the tour for free if McDowell decided to attend.
“No lie, wide neck, a go pro, and me could trade his 15 min of fame to 15 min of bliss,” she tweeted.
Florida authorities have also voiced their full-throated support for McDowell to give back to the troops, offering to count it as community service and allowing him to travel internationally. Currently out on bail, McDowell has been capitalizing on his fame by appearing on MTV’s show “Necks,” singing in a feature of Ariana Grande’s “Thank You, Necks” hit song, and swallowing watermelons whole for five dollars in Orlando. Hopes are Ol’ Saint Neck could travel by Christmas.
If you didn’t see it yourself, today’s five paragraph mission plan delivered by 2nd Lt. Smith was an absolute doozy. Here are ten of the most outrageous comments, annotated by SAW gunner PFC Ryan Joseph.
1. “Hey men, how’s everyone doing?” It has been well documented that Smith gives 0.0 fucks about anyone in this platoon.
2. “We’ve got a good mission to accomplish today.” Clearly Smith is already well versed in the officer skill of blindly saying yes to anything that comes down the pike, but come on, we all know this mission is garbage.
3. “We have reliable intelligence that the enemy is in a weakened state as the fighting season draws to a close.” Oh, really? Does ‘a weakened state’ simply mean that the local men might not pick up their weapons for the next few months, but then again they might? If so then, yes, weakened, we agree.
4. “Most dangerous course of action is that the enemy masses a fire team-plus and synchronizes small arms fire with the detonation of an improvised explosive device, which we will overcome with fire superiority.” Wrong. We would have accepted “enemy masses hundreds of fighters, synchronizes small arms, heavy machine gun and indirect fire to isolate and capture or kill one of our elements” or “Afghan ‘partner’ guns us all down before we leave the wire.”
5. “Order of movement will be second squad followed by third, then first.” Fuck, why is second always first? I mean, we know that the first squad leader has the navigational capability of, well, you, but come on!
6. “We’ll have a quick shura with the local elders.” There is no such thing as a quick shura. There is a shura where you politely talk about nothing for five hours and then they lie to you about what you need to know. There is also the abbreviated four hour version where they think you’re rude for cutting small talk short before asking them where the fuck the bad guys are.
7. “Gather intelligence on enemy disposition.” See above. We will gather lies and / or meaningless phrases from the men who would be fighting us themselves were they able-bodied.
8. “Our Afghan partners will clear all buildings prior to our entering the village.” There’s a recipe for success!
9. “We’ll need to make sure we initiate our movement back to base while we still have daylight.” WHY???
10. “Has anyone seen NODs? Things are green when you look through them.” OMG I can’t.
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A reconnaissance Marine who graduated at the top of his Marine Corps sniper class has found an insurmountable challenge in the most unexpected place – Coast Guard sniper school, sources confirmed today.
Sgt. Charles Handcock, a 28-year-old Arkansas native, failed to successfully complete the school for the Coast Guard’s Precision Marksman Observer Team (PMOT) a total of three times and is now being given a fourth opportunity to complete the program.
“I know I have what it takes to measure up to these guys,” said Handcock. “But this course is the most challenging thing I have ever experienced in my entire military career.”
During the intensive 3-day course, trainees are taught basic precision techniques, including shooting from a prone position inside of a helicopter and how to shoot engines on maritime vehicles.
“It’s highly unusual for anyone to have difficulty with this course,” said Lt. John Ellsworth, commanding officer of the precision marksmen training program. “It’s clear that little fella is trying really hard, so we take pity on him and let him keep trying. But we just don’t compromise on standards in the Coast Guard. This isn’t the Army.”
Handcock reportedly had 93 confirmed targeting failures, which disappointed his classmates.
“All we really do is practice shooting boat engines,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Emmitt Jones. “It really just ain’t that hard. This guy is simply not ready for dangerous missions close to shore. We want the guys who are ready to risk it all in U.S. ports and on calm territorial waters. We just aren’t seeing that level of dedication from this Marine.”
School officials announced they will allow Handcock to make another three attempts to complete the program. He will be sent back to his unit if he fails those attempts but can reapply after a mandatory one-year waiting period, which will provide him an opportunity to bring his skills on par with the Coast Guard’s high standards.
“Maybe he would do better sticking to Marine Corps spec op schools,” Lt. Ellsworth added. “They are more in line with his abilities and skill level.”
HEAVEN — Sources reported today that supreme Judeo-Christian deity God allegedly forgot to capitalize “Marine,” adding that the blunder was His “most egregious oversight since the creation of the mosquito, or maybe the e-cigarette — who knows — they’re both a blight on humanity.”
His Imminence had commanded the baking of a birthday cake for the Marines guarding His ethereal gates in order to commemorate their birthday as a Corps, according to celestial spokesangel, Metatron, Voice of God.
“Our Father, King of kings, seems to have had a most uncharacteristic lapse of divine judgement when leaving instructions for our heavenly baker,” Metatron stated.
“Far be it from me to cast the first stone, but I suspect some recent, heart-sundering events to be at fault,” he added. “No doubt the work of Lucifer.”
Indeed, according to correspondence between God, Holiest of Holies, and Betty Crocker, Divine Confectioner of the Cosmos, instructions to craft a celebratory dessert for the guardians of Heaven’s scenes included the painfully erroneous pronouncement, “Happy Birthday, marines!”
“Now, I know [God] has a lot on His plate, and we’re taught to forgive those who trespass against us, but I sure as heck am gonna have a hard time explaining this to Chesty,” said Reggie Sanford, Vice Commandant of the Marine Corps League, Eternal Division.
“Everybody knows that ‘Marine’ is a proper noun,” he nervously added.
While scholars tend to disagree on whether or not “god” should or should not be capitalized, there is unanimous consent within academic circles regarding the proper declaration of “Marine.”
“Jesus Christ, capitalizing ‘Marine’ is one of the most fundamental rules of grammar,” said professor emeritus Quincy Stacy, the Blissful Afterlife’s resident English expert.
“I have no comments for the record,” said Jesus Christ, begotten Son of God, washing His hands.
At press time, Chesty Puller had reportedly forgiven God, the Almighty, saying, “Yea, I am a kind and forgiving Legend, but lest none forget that the fist I wield is cast from the same iron as mine balls.”
EVANSVILLE, Ind. — A Marine Corps lance corporal informed friends that he was deploying again because combat was like a drug, despite the fact that he has never tried drugs or combat, sources confirmed today.
Lance Cpl. Alex Grayson, the one Marine who joined without lying about trying pot, just once, likened his experiences in Kuwait two years ago as something addictive and wonderful, which he’s pretty sure drugs are.
“You know, roasting your first enemy is a lot like dropping your first joint,” Grayson told friends on home leave. “Combat? It’s terrifying, but then you just want to get back and and get the scores again, you know?”
“Man, Alex is really different since he joined the Corps,” said Brad Greiner, Alex’s best friend from high school. “He wouldn’t even try a beer in high school because he wasn’t 21 and didn’t want to disrespect the Marine Corps t-shirt he bought for himself in 10th grade.” Brad said as he took a deep drag from his joint.
Grayson told friends about his desire to “get a high off survival” over a round of drinks he paid for in anticipation of tax-free hazardous duty pay. “You just want that same upsy feeling again. That thing you can only get from like, ripping the shits in combat or utilizing drugs.”
It’s unclear where Grayson believes he experienced combat in his previous tour to Kuwait, where he mostly checked IDs at an entry control point. However, sources close to Grayson report, he watches Full Metal Jacket alone in his hooch at least once a week.