How I Got Laid By 3 Recruiters Who Were Hunting Me On Tinder

By Panic At Recruitment

We are still collecting your weird stories about developer-recruiter relations. This story is just a huge WOW.

“Hi, I would like to tell you my name. But not this time. I want to remain anonymous. I’m Full Stack Developer. I work in a huge company, and I hate recruiters.

But first, let me tell you about my colleague, Josh. Josh doesn’t have a girlfriend, and he is always in search of “the one.” I often see him aggressively swiping on Tinder at work.

One Friday evening after a couple of beers, he complained that instead of having fun conversations with women on Tinder he keeps stumbling upon recruiters. He was extremely annoyed about this — he is looking for “the love of the life,” after all, and not for a new job.

I also hate recruiters; they are always ready to tell you about new “career opportunities.” Every day I get about ten identical letters with job descriptions. I don’t have to tell you how tiring it gets!

If you are a Ruby developer, and you receive hundreds of letters every year about C++, business analysts, front-end development and other vacancies, sooner or later you will want to do this:

“But that is so cool!” — you would say. But NO. Imagine, you are a history teacher. You love your job. Yet every day you open your inbox and see: ‘HI! NEW VACANCY CHEMISTRY TEACHER!’ OH NO OF HISTORICAL DANCING. No need to explain, that if you are a history teacher, you know history, maybe social sciences, but not biology, chemistry or linguistics. There is no chance, that you someday decide to teach chemistry without any knowledge of it.

Yeah, that’s what happened to me. To be honest, at that time my heart was also broken, I had a long and painful relationship. And then we broke up.

At first, I suffered, but then I decided to throw the cap over the mill. I did not want to go to night clubs. It would be too boring for me and would require a lot of time offline, which I do not have. I thought about Tinder and about Josh. Sorry, man, nothing about you on Tinder, lol. And saw a bunch of letters on my email. Yeah, that made me start my experiment also known as “Fuck you, recruiters”.

I installed Tinder. For those who don’t know, it can be connected to a Facebook profile, to confirm your identity. Interestingly, connecting Tinder profile with your Instagram increases your chances of getting a good match. Women want to make sure that you are real, and if you have an Instagram page with more then 100 followers, it will seem very convincing. I had no pics of trips or cats to share, nor did I have an Instagram, so I just uploaded a few selfies.

I couldn’t just sit and wait. Everybody knows how Tinder work: to get a match, you should swipe.

However, since I wanted to get to meet not just anyone, but a recruiter, I had to figure out how to detect one. For a while, I swiped right all more or less attractive girls. This pastime that was a perfect addition to my lunch.

Gradually, I figured out that there are some obvious signs that point out a recruiter: job titles in personal information or notes like “I’m collecting cool teams”, “it-hunter”, “want to meet javascript ninja” and all sorts of uncomplicated hints. Here are a couple of examples:

No love guys, just hunting.

To reveal recruiters, I had to talk to all the girls I got a match with. I love to chat with women (NO)! So to speed up the process, I asked all of them, what they were doing for life. Yes, that sounded so boring, but… I wasn’t trying to impress them

After about a month, seven conversations that I started out of 113, led to the issues of work and proposals to consider a vacancy. Yes, all those seven women really worked as recruiters.

I imagined myself as drama king. I used two tactics and wondered which one will lead to an actual date.

  1. Be friendly and funny, flirt and share my CV without hesitation. Compliments, taking initiative and all that stuff I don’t understand.
  2. Pretend that their fucking vacancies are not interesting to me, but as an exception, I am ready to discuss my technology stack. Delay the answers.

Now have a look at two chats. Tech-interview in Tinder, how about that? I was so fucking angry!

As you could have guessed, the second girls quickly agreed to meet. I only gained my worth by letting myself brush aside the new proposals. Tricky!

I did not want to deal with a modern business-breakfast or interview at Starbucks. So it was the time to invite the girls out for an evening date. Perhaps not even one. Yes, it sounds rude, but I even began to think that I could meet interesting people and might even start a new relationship.

That was the most challenging moment — at this stage, one of the girls messaged me:

“Sorry, the vacancy is closed!”

I realized that I need to speed up the process or the vacancies will be closed and I will have to start from scratch.and it wasn’t something I wanted to do again.

I sent this to the five remaining girls:

“I was offered a very cool position, but I have not yet accepted an offer.I would still like to meet and discuss what vacancy is open at your company”.

Boom! Three of them instantly agreed to meet.

I had five meetings. Or should I call them dates? All of them went on a typical scenario: meeting in a quiet bar, she is trying to tell me about a vacancy and job opportunities, drinks-drinks-drinks. Three out of five agreed to go to my place and watch Netflix … it went well thanks to my natural charisma and, of course, my passion for coding.

There is only one thing I am sorry about. I liked the job position described to me by one of the girls. After the date, I asked her: “What about the position we were talking about yesterday?”…

She’ve sent me to hell. Rejected my offer.

I spent about a month on the mission. All this time, I was motivated by the fact that stupid recruiters pursued me with identical emails and offers . If you think I’m an immoral bastard — that’s fine with me!

In addition, I believe that it is absolutely immoral to waste someone else’s time with useless job offers, be absolutely unprofessional and spit on someone else’s life.

I was satisfied. The revenge was sweeter than wine”.

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