What happens if you love your other half, but are no longer ‘in love’? Here are eight ways to put the spark backIt is not uncommon, says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice at Relate, for couples who come to therapy to say they love each other but that they’re not “in love” with each other. “Often in a longer-term relationship, the humdrumness of life has taken over their relationship,” she says. “And so, before you know it, people are feeling very disconnected from their partner.”Maybe you have lost sight of what made you fall in love, or you have reached a cosy stage of companionship that lacks fire. But is it unrealistic to expect to be in love with the same person for decades? “Love, intimacy and sex does fluctuate across the lifetime and there will be stages of closeness,” says Kate Moyle, sexual and relationship psychotherapist. “I think what’s unrealistic is to expect consistency.” Continue reading...
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It has been 30 years since a counsellor came up with the idea of five basic...It has been 30 years since a counsellor came up with the idea of five basic love languages, which include compliments and touch. Here’s how they can help you relate to your partnerPerhaps your partner is a gift-giver who often spots things they think you would love, from a funny-shaped leaf to a rare first edition, but is hurt when you don’t seem that grateful. Maybe you painstakingly undertake DIY around the house, but it goes unnoticed. There is a strong possibility that you and your partner see these acts completely differently.“Actually, maybe what [your partner] wants is for you to tell them you love them,” says Kate Moyle, a sex and relationship therapist. For example, she says: “One partner thinks: ‘We’re going to spend the whole weekend together, quality time, I’ve organised something fun to do together’, but there isn’t enough physical touch for the other partner. That might not even occur to the partner for whom that isn’t their primary love language.” Continue reading...
A couple who have stayed together through 6 company launches share their secrets for balancing serial entrepreneurship with a happy marriage
Married couples have launched and led many successful companies in industries as varied as healthcare, consumer...Married couples have launched and led many successful companies in industries as varied as healthcare, consumer products, and professional services. Bryan and Shannon Miles have founded several successful businesses and are launching a leadership consultancy this year. Business Insider sat down with the Mileses and asked them to share their best advice for romantic partners wanting to become business partners. Visit BI Prime for more stories. Cofounding a startup is often compared to marriage, but for some business partners the relationship is literally "till death do us part." Married couples have successfully launched companies in industries ranging from health services to consumer products, such as Dr. Shari Sperling and Ari Katz of Sperling Dermatology, Justin Joffe and Alexandria Ketcheson of Henry the Dentist, and Rosie O'Neill and Josh Resnick of the luxury candy maker Sugarfina. Bryan and Shannon Miles have been married for 22 years and in business together for the past decade. Together they founded and led five virtual-services businesses (which they combined in 2017) as well as a craft brewpub. This year, they are launching a leadership consultancy called Own Not Run, which aims to help business owners guide their companies toward self-sufficiency. The Mileses sat down with Business Insider and shared five insights for couples thinking about starting a business together. Put the relationship before the business The Mileses take their businesses very seriously, but they are unequivocal about their top priority. "Ultimately, what we're aiming at is not great businesses," Bryan said. "We're aiming at a great marriage and a great family. We're looking at something that's a vision of us in our 70s and 80s." The Mileses said they had built all of their businesses in a way that allowed them to focus on their children and on each other. Don't jump into anything too quickly Shannon and Bryan were married for more than 10 years before starting their first joint business, and they said the time spent developing their professional identities outside their relationship was instrumental to their success. Shannon relayed the advice she gave to an entrepreneur she mentored who wanted to bring her fiancé into a new business idea. "Don't do it. It's a bad idea," Shannon told the bride-to-be. "Y'all are just getting married. There's enough other things going on, and I really think you should wait a little while before you go into business together." Treat each partner as truly equal Startup experts typically recommend that one cofounder be a little more than equal to prevent deadlocked decisions, but the Mileses counsel against that arrangement for business and romantic partners. "Go in as equals and as peers," Bryan said. "The more you can approach it from an equal standpoint, the more rewarding it can be as a couple. It's a joy to do this together." The Mileses applied a similarly egalitarian approach to their management style. "As much as we were talking about deferring to each other, as we grew we actually deferred to other members of the team," Shannon said. Establish clear communication and boundaries Most of the time, the boundary between work and home life is fluid for the Mileses, but they set some new ground rules after one episode Shannon described as "the dark night of the soul for me in business ownership." One night in August 2016, Bryan had an epiphany he couldn't shake that would involve a major shift in their agreed-upon business strategy. He wanted to integrate their five businesses into one, and Shannon felt ambushed. They struggled for weeks to get on the same page. "Tensions were really, really high and we were raw emotionally," Shannon said. "We had to set up boundaries and say, 'I'm not talking about our companies while we're having dinner this week — we can talk about business during business time.'" Shannon said those boundaries were "really important." Be willing to compromise The Mileses' commitment to coequal leadership meant Bryan would have to be patient. "It was very heartbreaking for me," he said. "I really wanted to do this with her, but I needed her to embrace it. I don't want to do this by myself." Openness to compromise is a principle they apply in their relationship and businesses alike. "If you want to grow something out," Bryan said, "you're going to have to check the ego. Someone else gets to be the hero." "The older I get, and the longer we're married, I genuinely appreciate how different we are as people," he continued. "Honest to God, celebrating differences is a really wonderful thing."Join the conversation about this story » NOW WATCH: Taylor Swift is the world's highest-paid celebrity. Here's how she makes and spends her $360 million.
I just found out my boyfriend of 1 year has a child from a past relationship. Should I forgive him for his secret?
If your boyfriend constantly brushes off your emotions, it makes sense why you'd feel desperate. It's...If your boyfriend constantly brushes off your emotions, it makes sense why you'd feel desperate. It's possible he's gaslighting you. If you feel safe confronting your partner, you should tell him how his actions make you feel and explain how he can better validate your feelings. Have a question for Julia? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. Read more Doing It Right here. Visit Insider's homepage for more. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and we both have daughters from previous relationships. I'm 25 years old. I recently found out that my boyfriend has a second kid from a different relationship he was in before dating me. He claims he wasn't sure it was his until he took a DNA test and it turned out to be positive. Even after confirming the child was his, he still kept it a secret from me. I only found out because a family friend told me. I'm hurt because I once asked my boyfriend whether he and the woman he had the secret child with were ever in a relationship, and he told me no. I want to be with him, but I can't really put this lie behind us. Every time I mention how the lie and his once-secret life make me feel, I feel like I act overly emotional and moody towards my boyfriend. What's the best way to get past this? Am I just being dramatic? - Texas Dear Texas, Considering the dramatic circumstances you're facing, I'm not sure it's possible to keep your cool. Before you decide how to best deal with this bump in the road of your relationship, you should first consider the root of the problem. Is it your boyfriend who makes you feel overly emotional about the situation, or are you putting yourself in that place? If your boyfriend consistently brushes you off or says your worries regarding the child situation don't matter, it could mean he's gaslighting you, either consciously or subconsciously, according to Tribeca Therapy couples therapist Kelly Scott. Although the term "gaslighting" is a scary-sounding word, it basically means a person, whether a romantic partner, friend, family member, or public figure, acts or says certain things that invalidate another person's experience to the point they question whether their feelings or perceptions were right in the first place. People who gaslight tend to treat their own opinions as facts and make others believe their opinions are wrong, rather than just different. Some people who gaslight do it on purpose, but others may do so without realizing it. If your boyfriend rolls his eyes at you, sighs loudly, walks away, or says things like "You're holding a grudge" or "You're being too emotional," when you try to talk to him about how you're feeling, it could mean he's gaslighting you. If that's the case and you feel safe doing so, Scott recommended confronting him in a firm but calm way. Say something like, "Whenever I approach you about this, it feels like you're not open to hearing my experience, but I need that from you," Scott suggested. It can be nerve-wracking to call a partner out, but try to remind yourself that you're not alone in your experience. "It's common for couples that I work with who are in the gender binary to have a situation like this, where the male invalidates the female partner's experiences," Scott said. A partner invested in your relationship should be open to your opinions If your boyfriend seems shocked at your statement but says he's willing to work on hearing you out, you could try an exercise Scott often uses in therapy session to ensure both partners are actively listening to each other. Here's how it works: When you tell your partner how you feel, ask him to repeat back to you what he heard so make sure he was paying attention. Only once he does that can he share how he's feeling, and the same goes for you. A partner who's truly invested in your relationship should be open to your thoughts, opinions, and suggestions for improving your connection, and if your boyfriend doesn't seem willing, Scott said it's a red flag. "If your relationship can't tolerate multiple experiences, that's an emotionally unsafe relationship," Scott told me. "An invalidating partner isn't a safe partner because there is no real partnership." But if you feel unsafe, whether physically or emotionally, about confronting your partner, it's a sign you should take steps to move on. Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional who can help you cut ties with your boyfriend. You should also check your own emotional state Before you approach your partner, you should also consider whether your highly emotional reactions and mood swings aren't indicative of underlying trauma from previous relationships you've had, Scott said. For example, if you had a past romantic relationship where a partner lied to you, the fact your partner lied coul trigger those previous feelings of untrustworthiness and insecurity and cause you to have an extreme reaction to what he did. That doesn't mean what he did was OK, but understanding why you feel the way you do could help you better manage your feelings and move forward. According to Scott, talking with a therapist about your family and previous relationships could help you help yourself. As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist. Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. Related coverage from Doing It Right: My partner won't have sex until marriage, but I'm very sexual. Should I have an affair to get it out of my system? I'm having an affair with my best friend's partner, and he's become manipulative. Should I come clean? My antidepressants make it difficult to orgasm. How do I tell my partner and make sex fun again?Join the conversation about this story » NOW WATCH: Behind the scenes with Shepard Smith — the Fox News star who just announced his resignation from the network